I've had a lot on my mind lately, but I don't seem to have the confidence or ability to articulate it all. Teaching and working at the studio has been constantly humbling for me, as I learn and relearn my limitations, and try to find a balance between feeling confident in my abilities, and staying open to growth and change. I'm not sure how much of that makes sense - it feels awkwardly worded. What I'm trying to say, is that I've been waffling between being proud of the progress I've made, and my abilities as a teacher, and feeling inadequate and terribly unsure of myself. I know that as long as I keep working at learning, and sharing that knowledge with others as well as I can, I can only improve as a teacher and a maker. But I'm impatient, and I want to be good at everything RIGHT NOW. And I worry that my students aren't getting everything they want or need from my classes. Sometimes I think that someone with a lot more experience should be doing my job, but I'd never want to give it up. I get so much out of it, and it pushes me constantly. I just hope I'm doing ok. Every time a student loses a piece due to cracking or glazing because I failed to articulate an important step in the process, I feel terrible. I try to keep in mind all the things I learned from my teachers, and the things they said and did that stuck with me and were the most helpful, but I space out sometimes. It's not always easy to explain what I'm doing step by step so others will understand. Teaching is certainly not easy. Articulation. Communication. How can I be better at these skills?
I've been thinking about Maddy a lot, and how big she's getting, and how I sometimes take it for granted. All I can think about is my work, and how to get to where I can make a living at it. In a round about way, I worry about this because I want to make a good life for my child. But I also know that my desire to do my work uninterrupted is a little selfish - I miss the copious amounts of free time I used to have and waste, and it will be years before I have that kind of time again. I haven't yet really embraced my new role as a mother. I'm still immature, and having trouble letting go of the image of the person I used to be, or wanted to be. Meanwhile, this gorgeous little person is toddling around in front of me, learning to talk and clap and stand on her own, and she watches me all the time. I need to be aware of what she learns from me. What am I teaching her with this selfish obsession with being successful, being recognized? With my subconscious disdain for day to day tasks because I could be doing more lofty, important things like art-making? Shouldn't caring for her, for my family, be just as important, if not more so? I feel so guilty for having these feelings, and for not fully embracing this new role in my life.
This is a pretty heavy blog post, and I apologize. I just needed to clear my muddled brain a bit.
Currently reading a book by bell hooks called Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center. It's incredibly eye opening. As I said on Facebook earlier today, it makes me realize how spoiled and privileged I am, and how much I take for granted. I only wish I'd discovered her work sooner. I've been reading a lot of feminist theory, but so much of it is written from a white woman's perspective, and other experiences are completely ignored. It's giving me a lot to think about.