Thursday, October 15, 2009


I have not felt much like writing lately. I'm turning into this depressed recluse. I haven't made much in the way of art for a few weeks now. I don't go out much. I mostly sit home and waste time on Facebook, which is my only social interaction besides hanging out with Nich, and going by his family's house a couple times a week. I feel like I have no friends anymore. Not that I don't know that I have people who care about me and consider me their friend - it's just that I never see anyone anymore, and I'm getting to where I don't make a whole lot of effort to do so. I pretty much wake up in the late afternoon, mope sluggishly around the house drinking coffee and chatting online, occasionally goading myself into gathering laundry or doing some cooking or cleaning, followed by work at midnight and home by 4am to sit on Facebook for 30 mins or so until I get sleepy enough to go to bed. I keep telling myself I need to make a larger effort to change my life, but lately I just don't have the energy or the drive. I keep having disturbing dreams. I hate everything I draw or make. I'd like to make an appointment to see a therapist again, but I have the feeling there is nothing new to say. The same old recycled negative thoughts that have plagued me for years continue to bring me down, and I doubt that telling them to yet another therapist will make much difference. I don't know that I want to be on medication again, but I'm thinking this may become necessary soon.

I can't tell if I'm just making excuses for myself. Once again, I'm tired of the sound of my own voice. Every word I utter sounds whiny and complaining. The weather, my aches and pains, not wanting to make art, not having enough money, not having friends. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my thoughts. I want a vacation from my own mind. I want a sound and sane one in it's place. Maybe a less lazy one. One that doesn't lose focus after only 5 minutes of drawing, and doesn't require a constant stream of ulcer-inducing caffeine substances to function properly.

I miss everyone. I miss school. I miss all my friends here in Indy, out of state, and out of the country. I'm lonely, and bored, and depressed. I feel like a whiny Hot Topic emo kid, and I hate myself for complaining, which only makes me feel worse.

I think what I'd like most right now is to get my soft black fleece lamby blanket, a bunch of firewood for Nich's parents fireplace, and I'd like to curl up with a stack of books and hibernate for the winter. Just wake me when it's over.