Girly stuff

I've got some thoughts on the word girl that I felt like sharing here.

The first thought thread is about the negative connotations associated with the word "girl" or "girly". I'm gonna tell you a little bit about my childhood, so bear with me here.

When I was a kid, I was kind of a tomboy. My parents really wanted to dress me in lots of cute, frilly dresses, and I know I looked totes adorbs in them; I've seen the pictures. I was a damn cute kid. But at some point it occured to little-kid-me that being and dressing like a girl = not getting to have fun. Girls in dresses and skirts were expected to sit "ladylike". They were supposed to stay clean. They were supposed to "play nice". I never thought it was fair that because I was a girl, I was limited to being able to do certain things, if not because I was explicitly told not to, then because of the way I was supposed to dress. My parents must have gotten tired of fighting me on this, or must have been at least somewhat practically minded, because I remember many summers of running around in shorts and t-shirts with no shoes on, running around my neighborhood and getting into stuff. I think I tolerated skirts and dresses for church, or for special occasions, but otherwise, I was pretty much not having it. You cannot collect bugs and dig in the dirt when you're wearing a pretty dress, ok?

The other thing that bugged the shit out of me as a kid was being constantly reminded that girls were bad at things. "You run like a girl" or "you throw/play like a girl" was a pretty common insult, and I heard things like that all the time. Girls are prissy and fussy, they take forever to get ready in the bathroom, they're creeped out by bugs and lizards, they can't fight, etc etc etc. I used to get so angry and frustrated every time I heard these things. They didn't apply to me, and I hated that being a girl was seen as such a bad thing. I didn't want to be a girl; I wanted to be cool. I didn't want to be a boy either, because they were generally jerks, so I figured I was just a different kind of girl. A better kind, one who did not get scared by the boys dangling a lizard in her face ("Oh cool! I love lizards," I'd say, and the boys would be disappointed), and who was not afraid to punch a boy in the face if he was mean to me. With this mindset firmly in place, I got into A LOT of trouble, and wasn't very popular with either boys or girls. They all seemed kinda stupid to me. Luckily, I had a few female friends who were awesome, vulgar, and also willing to punch a boy out, and we were awesome together through elementary school, at least. However, as I got older, this mindset meant I had a hard time identifying with other girls. I always felt awkward and alien around them, and could not for the life of me understand their interests in "girly stuff".

As an adult, I'm beginning to stop judging "girly girls". I realize how much I hated being told what I could or couldn't do, and no one should have to experience that. If you really love lipstick and pink dresses, then rock it the hell out. But it has slowly dawned on me that as women, we can't win. Whatever we choose to do, society will see our interests as either appropriate, and therefore girly and weak and frivilous, or as inappropriate, and therefore we're scary dykes and feminazis, and we're ruining the fabric of society. It is INFURIATING. If you're my facebook friend, you'll occasionally see me going on a mini rant because yet another guy friend made a candid statement about Pinterest (which, OMG, is fully of girly things like flowers and weddings, so it's NO MANS LAND and totally not relevant to my interests), and I get so mad because I'm tired of things for ladies being automatically branded as irrelevant. I'm also tired of feeling ashamed or embarassed when I do happen to like something that is stereotypically girly. As a feminist, I almost feel like I have to apologize for being a stay at home mom, or appreciating the way a killer set of pumps look. Because liking those things makes me look weak, both to society, and to fellow feminists. Girly = weak.

The reason I wanted to write about this, is because I titled my Kickstarter "Girl Stories", and I know that a lot of feminists get riled up when women are called "girls," for the same reason that grown men do not want to be called boys. It seems belittling and patronizing. At the same time, I call myself a girl, or a geek girl, because it's a word I've struggled with my whole life, and because I strongly identify with childish things. I don't feel like an adult - I feel like a giant kid hiding in a woman's body. I know that my interests and favorite things are totally childish, and I'm ok with that; in fact, I love it. Watching Sesame Street and Yo Gabba Gabba BRINGS ME GREAT JOY. So girl just seems to fit; and since my project is especially geared towards young girls, that seemed to fit there too.

So, I'm not writing this to attack my feminist friends, or society at large. These are just my thoughts about the word "girl", and why I get kinda pissed about it. Call it the word of the day, if you will. I'd love it if you all would share your thoughts about this in the comments. Does being called a girl, as opposed to a woman, piss you off if you're female? Does it depend on who says it? Guys, do you worry about having interests that are stereotypically "girly"?

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2094679082/girl-stories-sculptures-that-tell-stories-by-lori/widget/video.html

So btw, my Kickstarter has 5 days left. I would LOVE to raise a ton more money, but what I REALLY want is for everyone in the world to see it. Like, EVERYONE. I'm incredibly proud of it; it was a huge accomplishment for me, and it is the beginning of a project that I will be spending the next 6 months working on. Thanks to all of you, it will be successful, but please help me out and keep telling everyone. I don't care if no one donates another cent. I just want the world to know about Girl Stories. Thanks everyone:)

And, um, GIRL POWER TO THE MAX! YEAH!

Empty headed

I've had a lot on my mind lately, but I don't seem to have the confidence or ability to articulate it all. Teaching and working at the studio has been constantly humbling for me, as I learn and relearn my limitations, and try to find a balance between feeling confident in my abilities, and staying open to growth and change. I'm not sure how much of that makes sense - it feels awkwardly worded. What I'm trying to say, is that I've been waffling between being proud of the progress I've made, and my abilities as a teacher, and feeling inadequate and terribly unsure of myself. I know that as long as I keep working at learning, and sharing that knowledge with others as well as I can, I can only improve as a teacher and a maker. But I'm impatient, and I want to be good at everything RIGHT NOW. And I worry that my students aren't getting everything they want or need from my classes. Sometimes I think that someone with a lot more experience should be doing my job, but I'd never want to give it up. I get so much out of it, and it pushes me constantly. I just hope I'm doing ok. Every time a student loses a piece due to cracking or glazing because I failed to articulate an important step in the process, I feel terrible. I try to keep in mind all the things I learned from my teachers, and the things they said and did that stuck with me and were the most helpful, but I space out sometimes. It's not always easy to explain what I'm doing step by step so others will understand. Teaching is certainly not easy. Articulation. Communication. How can I be better at these skills?

I've been thinking about Maddy a lot, and how big she's getting, and how I sometimes take it for granted. All I can think about is my work, and how to get to where I can make a living at it. In a round about way, I worry about this because I want to make a good life for my child. But I also know that my desire to do my work uninterrupted is a little selfish - I miss the copious amounts of free time I used to have and waste, and it will be years before I have that kind of time again. I haven't yet really embraced my new role as a mother. I'm still immature, and having trouble letting go of the image of the person I used to be, or wanted to be. Meanwhile, this gorgeous little person is toddling around in front of me, learning to talk and clap and stand on her own, and she watches me all the time. I need to be aware of what she learns from me. What am I teaching her with this selfish obsession with being successful, being recognized? With my subconscious disdain for day to day tasks because I could be doing more lofty, important things like art-making? Shouldn't caring for her, for my family, be just as important, if not more so? I feel so guilty for having these feelings, and for not fully embracing this new role in my life. 

This is a pretty heavy blog post, and I apologize. I just needed to clear my muddled brain a bit.

Currently reading a book by bell hooks called Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center. It's incredibly eye opening. As I said on Facebook earlier today, it makes me realize how spoiled and privileged I am, and how much I take for granted. I only wish I'd discovered her work sooner. I've been reading a lot of feminist theory, but so much of it is written from a white woman's perspective, and other experiences are completely ignored. It's giving me a lot to think about.  

Pie/50's housewife fail

We had a 4th of July weekend BBQ to attend Saturday evening, so I decided to bake a pie. Although both Nich and I love cooking, baking is something I have decidedly less experience with. In the past, I'd always look at a recipe for a pie or cake and think "That's too much work, and I don't have any of the ingredients on hand. I don't even own a pie pan/springform pan/bundt pan/other kitchen accessory." However, for the last two years, I suddenly got it into my head that it would be great to make pies from scratch for the holidays. Last Thanksgiving, I finally tackled making pie for the very first time. I made so many pies, I felt like a master at it. I even altered a magazine recipe, changing it so many times, it thoroughly became my own recipe. I had people at work begging me to make more. Success! I am a pie making goddess!

Now I'm a little obsessed with pies and cakes. Somehow I've convinced myself that I'm going to concoct the perfect recipe, with the perfect crust, if I just make enough pies and keep tweaking them. (My waistline is contending this idea.) I've literally daydreamed about submitting one to the State Fair and winning first prize. How 50's housewife is that?

My dreams were dashed this time around, however. What was supposed to be a lovely fresh peach and strawberry cream pie turned into a weird, salty, gingery thing with too much flour in the filling. Sad face:(

However, it was my first successful lattice top pie! So it might not have tasted so great, but it was at least pretty.

To go on a tiny bit of a tangent, I've been thinking about the whole domesticity thing, being a wife and mother and being in the kitchen cooking and baking all the time. I bristle a little at the idea that this is strictly "women's work". Hell, I bristle a lot. Sometimes I feel a little guilty donning an apron and baking pies, or sitting down at the sewing machine, rather than working on my actual profession. I'm always a little wary in my head of anything that is stereo-typically "for girls", though I definitely like classically girly things more than I used to. But I don't want to be pigeonholed or live up to society's expectations about what a woman is "supposed" to be doing. I want to do what I want!

Then I remind myself that women's lib wasn't just for the right to work outside of the home, it was (and is) for the right to choose what you'll do with your life, to be treated as equals with men whether you're taking care of the household, or holding down a 9 to 5. Anyway, I like baking! (Also, pie crust dough is very clay-like...) If I enjoy it, that should be all the matters. I also remind myself that my husband is just as apt to don an apron as I am, and all the cooking skills I have, I pretty much learned from my Dad. I'm glad that our child will be as likely to see her Dad in the kitchen as she will to see me changing a tire.

Anyway, I'd make a lousy full time housewife. I just like the food end of things. Don't ask me to fold the laundry on a regular basis or anything.