It sucks having an illness that no one really thinks you have. It makes you feel like a liar, or a drama queen. Makes you think you really could handle life if you'd just pick yourself up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. It also makes you think you're fine well past actually being fine, and makes you feel stupid for seeking out help or therapy. However, I started seeing a therapist again this week. I had to admit to myself that I'm not doing so great, and that life shouldn't feel as unmanageable and overwhelming to me as it does.
I wake up in the morning, think about the laundry list of things I need to accomplish, and I'm filled with dread. House cleaning, making new work, writing a blog, taking pictures of finished pieces and updating my Etsy, submitting resumes and craft fair applications, paying bills, going to my evening job... Just thinking about all of it puts me in a panic. I know how hard it will be for me to stay focused and do it all. I know it will feel like a struggle to remember it all, to keep on task, to not doubt myself when I'm making artwork and give it all up for the day. It's easier to sit in the armchair and browse the internet. It's effortless. It is a major struggle to finish washing a sink full of dishes without feeling... I don't know, restless, distracted, annoyed. Simple tasks shouldn't feel like Herculean endeavors, but they do. And I feel like I should be enjoying making artwork, but most of the time I'm too busy worrying about whether it's any good, whether I'm making enough, or whether the idea I have has been done before. I sit down and make a couple pieces, and then pat myself on the back for having been "productive." Then a deadline comes up, and I realize I should have been working everyday on this, making 5 times as much stuff as I have been. I just can't seem to make myself sit down for that long everyday. I don't know why it's so hard for me. I don't know why there's this constant lack of energy, why the day just wears me out so easily. I do know why, it just annoys me that I can't overcome it by sheer force of will. I hate that I can't just MAKE myself better.
I was working on my ceramics today, thinking about all of this while I worked. I'm listening to Radiohead, which is my official "Life sucks and I feel sorry for myself" music. It's 4:50p, and I have 5 more hours to get pieces painted and ready for the kiln. And I just don't want to. My shoulders ache, my head hurts, and I just want to call it a day. I feel like such a whiner. I know that anything worth accomplishing in life should be hard. It should take effort. I just wish everything didn't feel that way.
There really wasn't much of a point to this post, was there? I just needed to get thoughts out today so I could work.
TL;DR - Here's some pictures of stuff I've been making.
|Soon to be carved lantern - It has a candle holder place inside, and will have a wire handle when it's done.|