Thursday, October 15, 2009

Hibernation

I have not felt much like writing lately. I'm turning into this depressed recluse. I haven't made much in the way of art for a few weeks now. I don't go out much. I mostly sit home and waste time on Facebook, which is my only social interaction besides hanging out with Nich, and going by his family's house a couple times a week. I feel like I have no friends anymore. Not that I don't know that I have people who care about me and consider me their friend - it's just that I never see anyone anymore, and I'm getting to where I don't make a whole lot of effort to do so. I pretty much wake up in the late afternoon, mope sluggishly around the house drinking coffee and chatting online, occasionally goading myself into gathering laundry or doing some cooking or cleaning, followed by work at midnight and home by 4am to sit on Facebook for 30 mins or so until I get sleepy enough to go to bed. I keep telling myself I need to make a larger effort to change my life, but lately I just don't have the energy or the drive. I keep having disturbing dreams. I hate everything I draw or make. I'd like to make an appointment to see a therapist again, but I have the feeling there is nothing new to say. The same old recycled negative thoughts that have plagued me for years continue to bring me down, and I doubt that telling them to yet another therapist will make much difference. I don't know that I want to be on medication again, but I'm thinking this may become necessary soon.

I can't tell if I'm just making excuses for myself. Once again, I'm tired of the sound of my own voice. Every word I utter sounds whiny and complaining. The weather, my aches and pains, not wanting to make art, not having enough money, not having friends. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my thoughts. I want a vacation from my own mind. I want a sound and sane one in it's place. Maybe a less lazy one. One that doesn't lose focus after only 5 minutes of drawing, and doesn't require a constant stream of ulcer-inducing caffeine substances to function properly.

I miss everyone. I miss school. I miss all my friends here in Indy, out of state, and out of the country. I'm lonely, and bored, and depressed. I feel like a whiny Hot Topic emo kid, and I hate myself for complaining, which only makes me feel worse.

I think what I'd like most right now is to get my soft black fleece lamby blanket, a bunch of firewood for Nich's parents fireplace, and I'd like to curl up with a stack of books and hibernate for the winter. Just wake me when it's over.

2 comments:

The Awesome Rawsons said...

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I can relate to a lot of what you're feeling. I wound up going back to a therapist a little over a month ago and now see her weekly. She doesn't tell me anything new- I know more than she does about how I feel or my past- but she is a professional authority voice outside of my own head that can remind me of the things I already know. And sometimes she does help me realize new things. Its just good to have an unbiased outlet. I also got back on my medicine. I had gone off of it for about 6 months and was okay for a while and then noticed the thoughts creeping back in and the lack of ability or desire to do anything. I was crying all the time for no reason and complaining about everything. I was "sick" all the time. Jared kept telling me to call the doc for another presciption (i let it run out) but I was so down even making the phone call seemed too overwhelming. I was laying in the middle of my living room floor crying with my kids crawling over me begging me to play with them. Jared was having to take off of work to take care of me/them. He MADE me call the doctor, find a therapist, and get out of the house. Just feeling like I was making an effort to change and be better helped me actually FEEL better. Nothing new, no new revelations, but back to where life is manageable and i'm working towards feeling stable and happy. Functional. Alive. Back on track. Love you.

Lori Leaumont said...

You nailed it, everything you just described. I feel sick all the time, some of it just being super complainey about aches and pains, some of it actually being sick - but probably worsened by the depression. I think being depressed just weakens your immune system, and then you have even more to complain about! Crying for no reason, no interest in anything... I guess I should know better. I think you're right - going to a therapist and being on meds does make things manageable, even if it's not a permanent "fix". I'm glad you did it and are feeling better. I think I'll do the same. Thanks for being a voice of reason for me. You have no idea how many times you've played that role in my life. I appreciate it. Love you:)