Thursday, August 27, 2009

Very personal and not at all art related, but feel free to read.

I am inescapably depressed today. Everything is pissing me off, I'm tired, I'm sore, and I just want to give up. There is artwork waiting for my attention, but all I want to do is sit here.

They are releasing Dad from the hospital tomorrow. I'm really unhappy about this, because he thinks he's fine, but he just loses huge chunks of time. There is no one to watch him on a daily basis but his almost 90 year old mother, who is not altogether well herself. I told my mom last night that Nich and I were discussing the possibility of me moving home temporarily if Dad needed me, and she just flipped out like I was trying to give her a heart attack. Every time I talk to her, she just gives me a panic attack, and then is surprised when I start crying and despairing. I feel overwhelmed. There is no money for Dad to have a live in aide, and I'm not sure how I would support myself if I moved home, what would happen to Nich or our apartment, what I'd do with my cats, or whether there would even still be room for me in Dad's house. Not to mention, the fact that Gramma Rene is evil, and I don't know if I have the strength to be in her presence day after day.

My Dad is being a stubborn bastard. He keeps insisting he's fine and does not want treatment. He just wants to go home and go back to work, and the hospital says not to let him, but who's going to stop him? You wouldn't even know anything was wrong with him unless you talked to him for more than a few minutes. He's already tried to escape the hospital twice, and the nurses think he's totally fine, but the doctors say he can't drive or go back to work. So much for brain injury specialists actually knowing how to handle a freakin' brain injury.

My Mom so melodramatic, I can barely stand to talk to her. When I start to cry on the phone with her, it's almost like it reminds her that she's the Mom and I'm the kid, and maybe I'd like to freak out and be comforted once in a while, instead of constantly having to listen to how horrible and devastating her life is all the time. She has to stop herself and tell me it's all going to be ok, but it's like she sucks at it. She's used to being the one everyone takes care of. I'm supposed to be strong and sane, which is ridiculous, because I'm not the least bit sane, and I don't feel strong at all. I am so angry, and so depressed, I can't even put it all into words. It's all too much.

My life feels like a big tangled mess, and I just want to quit. Can I just quit life? Can I just hit a reset button?

4 comments:

The Awesome Rawsons said...

No, darlin. You can't. I'm really sorry that things are so hard. It sounds like you're taking the brunt of the responsibility in this situation with your Dad and that's unfairly stressful for you. Its hard to be the glue in your family...the strength that holds the pieces together. I wrote a poem once. It went something like "I am the glue that holds them. More like scotch tape that when wet loses its grip." Its hard to be everyone's everything. Only the unfeeling would be immuned to that sort of position. Even the strongest of strong would crumble with that pressure. You've got every right to feel depressed and tangled and I'm glad you're able to express it. Theres no way around it or over it, though. You've got to go through it. It will sort itself out one way or the other and suck in the process. But you'll all come out on the other end. I know its a painful waiting game. I've been there, too. And so I offer you my love and sympathy and ears and shoulders as you wend your way though this tangled mess. Love you so much sweetie.

Lori Leaumont said...

Love you too.

Antagonist Jason said...

I also long for a reset button. Or at least a pause button.

You can always call me. I owe you.

Lori Leaumont said...

Thanks Jason:)