Monday, August 3, 2009

So...

This is a blog. I've tried doing this many, MANY times. I've had an opendiary, a myspace, and a livejournal. I never seem to keep it up. Not that I don't love to write - I find it wholeheartedly addictive - it's just that when it seems no one is really reading, I retreat to my pen and ink hardbound journals and sketchbooks to get it all out. I have stacks and stacks of them. I actually collect cool looking journals, and anyone who knows me really well knows a gift of a blank book will never go to waste.

But then I suddenly want to share what I've written with someone. Some of the thoughts are deeply personal and private, and not to be shared. But some of them, I don't know, I just want someone else to know that I have them. So I put scanned pages in my artwork, or I hand make a book and fill it with entries and drawings and send it to a girl in Mexico as part of a swap. And I feel a bit better, but still.

I feel guilty for wanting to share every moment of my life with the world. I feel guilty for wanting the attention (I so desperately do). I feel guilty for being hopelessly addicted to the internet, checking my Facebook sometimes every hour, posting pics of my daily activities, updating my status message hoping it's clever. I'm really insecure, and I want validation. I want to be a rock star, dammit. How stupid is that? I went into the wrong profession. Potters can't be rock stars. Rock stars don't make dog bowls and coffee mugs with dinosaurs on them.

I also feel guilty because now, everything I do on the net feels like a promotion on some level. I feel like now that I have a online store, everything I do is an advertisement. I'm trying to sell not just my work, but myself. If you think I'm cool enough, if you liked that last tweet I posted, maybe you'll visit my store. Maybe you'll like my stuff. Maybe I can pay a bill or buy some new supplies. Please?

I don't know if I can do this. My brain is so split. I want to genuinely share myself with others, my experiences and ideas. If I didn't, I wouldn't have become an artist. But I've got this notion of selling out, and I've also got this habit of spending more time on the internet than I do making art, because I've always been a fabulous procrastinator, and honestly it's such a lovely waste of time. It's so EASY. I've got 13 tabs open right now just waiting for my attention. If I keep this up, I won't have to worry about selling out because I WON'T HAVE ANY NEW ART.

But the siren call of blogging is beckoning me. I can't help it. Maybe someone else will know how I feel. Maybe someone else watched that killer Amanda Palmer video and thought "Good God, if I were only 1/10th as cool as that."

Good God, if only were 1/10th as cool. Then maybe I'd be confident enough to make art, instead of just drooling over the cool stuff other people are doing.

More to come. Maybe even pictures of art, if I make any.

2 comments:

The Awesome Rawsons said...

I'm glad you're on. I feel like the blog is a way to keep up with the people I care for most. Its more raw and honest than a phone call can be. Blogs tend to elaborate on the every-day when sometimes phone calls only highlight the eventful. Plus, I suck at making and receiving phone calls. I rather enjoy hiding behind the internet and written word. I rely on it. I'm quite comfortable being phone-phobic, thank you. I live for the comments on my blog. I understand needing to be heard and understood. Sometimes its my medicine. Its my re-ification. Its the steam in my self esteem.

Lori Leaumont said...

It's really good to hear you say that. I feel the same way. I am incredibly phone-phobic, to steal your word. I don't know why, but I just can't be completely open by phone about what's going on in my life. I think the internet (or any written communication - letters, e-mail, facebook, etc) is easier because you don't have to think too much about who's reading it and what exactly they think of what you have to say.

It feels good to connect with people this way, and know that they care enough to want to know what's going on with you. And it feels REALLY good just to write at all, at length.

I'm really glad you have a blog too; it makes me really happy to feel connected to you again:)