Thursday, August 19, 2010

Just feels like spinning plates

For those of you who don't know me personally (and some of you who do), I have bipolar disorder. I have bipolar II, which is kind of like bipolar lite; bipolar's annoying and less intrusive kid sister. People who do know I have it tend to think there's really nothing wrong with me. I seem to function just fine, I don't make impulsive and utterly life changing decisions at the drop of a hat (I do, actually, but many of them tend to work themselves out, occasionally even to my benefit), and I don't spend rent checks on a whim. I manage to hold a job, I have a small business on the side, and I even have a husband that hasn't run screaming from our relationship after the first year of marriage (yet). I don't drink in excess (this is debatable), I don't do any drugs, and I don't engage in any other serious self destructive behaviors.

It sucks having an illness that no one really thinks you have. It makes you feel like a liar, or a drama queen. Makes you think you really could handle life if you'd just pick yourself up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. It also makes you think you're fine well past actually being fine, and makes you feel stupid for seeking out help or therapy. However, I started seeing a therapist again this week. I had to admit to myself that I'm not doing so great, and that life shouldn't feel as unmanageable and overwhelming to me as it does.

I wake up in the morning, think about the laundry list of things I need to accomplish, and I'm filled with dread. House cleaning, making new work, writing a blog, taking pictures of finished pieces and updating my Etsy, submitting resumes and craft fair applications, paying bills, going to my evening job... Just thinking about all of it puts me in a panic. I know how hard it will be for me to stay focused and do it all. I know it will feel like a struggle to remember it all, to keep on task, to not doubt myself when I'm making artwork and give it all up for the day. It's easier to sit in the armchair and browse the internet. It's effortless. It is a major struggle to finish washing a sink full of dishes without feeling... I don't know, restless, distracted, annoyed. Simple tasks shouldn't feel like Herculean endeavors, but they do. And I feel like I should be enjoying making artwork, but most of the time I'm too busy worrying about whether it's any good, whether I'm making enough, or whether the idea I have has been done before. I sit down and make a couple pieces, and then pat myself on the back for having been "productive." Then a deadline comes up, and I realize I should have been working everyday on this, making 5 times as much stuff as I have been. I just can't seem to make myself sit down for that long everyday. I don't know why it's so hard for me. I don't know why there's this constant lack of energy, why the day just wears me out so easily. I do know why, it just annoys me that I can't overcome it by sheer force of will. I hate that I can't just MAKE myself better.

I was working on my ceramics today, thinking about all of this while I worked. I'm listening to Radiohead, which is my official "Life sucks and I feel sorry for myself" music. It's 4:50p, and I have 5 more hours to get pieces painted and ready for the kiln. And I just don't want to. My shoulders ache, my head hurts, and I just want to call it a day. I feel like such a whiner. I know that anything worth accomplishing in life should be hard. It should take effort. I just wish everything didn't feel that way.

There really wasn't much of a point to this post, was there? I just needed to get thoughts out today so I could work.

TL;DR - Here's some pictures of stuff I've been making.
Soon to be carved lantern - It has a candle holder place inside, and will have a wire handle when it's done.
Thought cloud

Sunday, August 15, 2010

A blog post? Seriously?

I wish I could say I haven't updated recently because I'm so crazy busy being successful, but truth is I'm just lazy, and it's a hassle kicking my husband off the computer when he's playing Starcraft or Team Fortress 2.

I have been making things though! I'm working on some little cloud mobile things that I'm pretty excited about, as well as several new sets of emoticups. We'll see how that goes soon enough.

I'm just waiting for a part for my kiln to come in the mail so I can fix a wire that snapped, and finally get a bisque fired. I'd like to have at least a few new pieces for the upcoming Feast of Lanterns.

So, yes! Upcoming events! The Feast of Lanterns is coming up on Saturday, August 28th. It's in Spades Park on the near east side of Indy. I will have a booth there, along with Sunday Afternoon Housewife, maker of lovely scrabble tile pendants and other accessories, and Body Eclectic Skincare, maker of awesome handmade soaps with seasonal ingredients. I'm really excited to be a vendor there this year, because my husband and I have gone every year, and it's where he proposed to me! So if you see us giggling and making out in the booth behind the pottery, don't be alarmed;)
The other big exciting thing going on is preparing for Oranje. Monday night is the first time I get a crack at building my booth. Our goal for the evening is to get walls painted and take some measurements for where to hang dividers, lights, and where to put shelves and displays. We have been encouraged to make our booth more than just a gallery or a display, but a work of art in and of itself. I'm excited to see what we can come up with! I can already tell it's going to be obnoxiously colorful by the time we are done, which is AWESOME. I'll try to take pics of the building process so you can see what we're up to as the month progresses.

Alright, I'm off to put handles on mugs and prepare my lovely singing voice for tonight's karaoke session;)